Don't Leave Gai with Nothing Better to Do
by Ceile
Summary: Stupid, silly one-shot with Tam Gai. Pure fluff. When Gai gets bored, his team, especially one Hyuuga Neji, pays the price. Just a random parody that offers no literary value whatsoever. Enjoy! post time skip, not that it really matters much


*********

A/N So here's a fluffy one-shot of Team Gai. It has no plot. It has no development of characters. Just pure silliness Team Gai style. Random, stupid, silly, fun. Read, and enjoy Neji's suffering!

I don't own these characters! Ya!

C

*********

Don't Leave Gai With Nothing To Do

Maito Gai was bored. He had just lost yet another fierce battle of Rock, Paper, Scissors with his eternal rival Hatake Kakashi. After one thousand one-handed push ups, two hundred laps around training field twelve, and a three hour handstand, he had satisfied the self made consequences for the loss and found himself sitting in his apartment with nothing to do.

Kakashi was long gone; he never bothered to make sure Gai punished himself. He was probably at home, engrossed in his naughty book, reclining with that ghastly drink he was always trying to get Gai to try. What the heck was a Dr. Pepper anyway? He couldn't help but feel a little jealous at how far and wide Kakashi's travels had taken him, but, really. Was that sickening drink the best he could do for a souvenir?

It was now late morning, and his prize pupil Rock Lee should be about finished with his first training regimen of the day. Maybe he'd go down to the fields again and see him. He knew Lee would be up for just about anything.

And then, Gai had an idea. Why not tease his cute little team this afternoon? He was sure something exuberantly youthful could come of it. Yes. That was what he would do.

With a slight pang in his heart, he realized he missed the three Shinobi who were once his adorable little genin. They were all growing up. Lee and TenTen were now successful chuunin, and Hyuuga Neji was a jounin, the same as Gai himself. As the months went by, his three former students were getting their own missions and squads assigned to them, and they didn't spend as much time together as Team Gai anymore.

Today, he vowed that Team Gai would reunite in the most youthful way, at Neji's and TenTen's expense, of course. Lee was sure to go along with his plan. Lee never, ever, disappointed his Sensei.

With renewed vigor at his own cleverness, Gai bounded out of his apartment and sailed by rooftop over to Lee's favorite training field. Moments later, he saw the familiar form of Lee in the middle of the field amongst several felled trees and decapitated battle dummies. He was hunched over, his hands on his knees, breathing hard as a result of his efforts.

"Don't tell me it's break time already?!" Gai bellowed from the sideline of the field.

Lee abruptly turned in the direction of that familiar voice and instantly snapped to attention.

"No, Gai-Sensei! It is not a break! I was merely deciding on what to do next! What is it you wish, Gai-Sensei?!" he shouted, the sweat clinging to his brow, but not to his fabulously breathable green jumpsuit.

Gai chuckled as he made his way over to his precious student. "Relax, Lee. I was only teasing! That's my student!"

"OSSU!" yelled Lee, happy to see the person he most admired..

'Things are going well already,' thought Gai to himself. To Lee, he said, "Lee I have a very important favor to ask of you."

"Yes, Gai-Sensei! Anything Gai-Sensei!" he shouted. He swiftly reached into his weapons pouch and brought forth his trusty notebook and pen, ready to take down word for word the absolute wisdom of his Sensei.

"You won't need to take notes, Lee. I just want to have a happy reunion with Team Gai, and I'd like you to help. Seeing the three of you together again would just make my day!"

"What do I need to do, Gai-Sensei?"

"Well, nothing much. Just be yourself, and the rest will happen naturally."

Lee had a slight look of confusion on his face which he promptly swept away. He never doubted the profound insights of his sensei.

"Right, Gai-Sensei! I will just be myself!"

"Good. Now all we need is to get those other two here. And I have just the thing."

Gai sat down and took out two scrolls from his gear pouch. Lee sat next to him on the ground, wondering what amazing adventure his sensei had in store for him.

"Lee, your pen, please."

"OSSU!" Lee said energetically as he handed the well worn writing implement to Gai's waiting hand.

"What are you doing, Gai-Sensei?"

"Oh, nothing. Just writing a little note to Neji and TenTen to come join us here at the field."

Gai set about penning his messages to the two Shinobi.

Each message read: "This is an emergency! Team Gai report to Training Field 8!"

Lee, having read the messages over the shoulder of his sensei ventured to ask a question.

"Gai-Sensei, is it really an emergency?"

Gai laughed lightly and put his hand on the head of his student, tousling the bowl cut hair that mirrored his own. "It will be!"

"B-but, why? A splendid ninja would not lie to his teammates just to get them to come and see him, right?"

"Well, Lee, normally that's quite true. I am so proud of you for your dedication to duty. But you are forgetting something."

Lee gasped. "What, Gai-Sensei? What am I forgetting?" He tried to snatch his pen back to jot down what would surely be a piece of vital information. But Gai immediately raised the pen up over his head safely out of reach of the crouching Lee.

"You, my dear Lee, are forgetting that youth is not only about power, it's also about joy! We are going to have FUN today!"

"I see, Gai-Sensei! Then it is ok to tell a slight falsehood in order to bring joy to the group! Like a surprise party!"

"That's my student! That's exactly what it will be like."

"But why are we doing this today?" Lee asked as Gai poofed his messages out of existence to send them to their recipients.

"Because any day is a good day to express our beautiful youth!"

"OSSU!"

"Now, Lee, why don't you do a few hundred knee-squats while we wait for Neji and TenTen to arrive?"

"HAI!" Lee immediately set about his squatting as Gai gave him a thumbs up, the sunlight of the day glinting off of his super white teeth. 'This was going to be fun,' Gai thought as he waited like an impatient child for his two other former students to appear. He stood up, smiling, ready for the youthful action to come.

First, the small form of the lone Kunoichi of the squad appeared, her scroll of summoning weapons strapped to her shoulder. It was TenTen, and she was running toward Gai and the still squatting Lee.

Seconds later, Hyuuga Neji appeared, dressed in the traditional garb of the Hyuuga Clan, a study in black and white. White eyes, pale skin, white robe, with black hair, black sandals, and black...man-skirt? At least, that's what Gai always called it just because he knew it drove the quiet Neji absolutely mad.

"We got here as fast as we could, Gai-Sensei," said Neji in his customary deadpan tone. Then, as he looked around seeing no one but his former team, he asked "What is the emergency?"

TenTen also had a look of confusion and consternation on her face. "What's going on, Gai-Sensei? Is someone in trouble?"

'Here goes!' Gai thought to himself.

"Yes. Lee, you may stop. I would like you to pay close attention to what I am about to say. You can finish those squats plus five hundred laps around the field when we're finished here today."

"OSSU! I will do a thousand laps after we finish!"

"Good. Now. TenTen, you asked if there was someone in trouble. I am sorry to say, that two people are in very big trouble indeed."

"Who?" TenTen asked, as Neji suddenly had a very skeptical look on his face.

"Ah. Who indeed. Well, no need to delay things any further. You and Neji are in big big trouble!"

"WHAT?!" TenTen shouted.

"I knew I had a bad feeling about this," said Neji in a somewhat irked tone. "So, Gai-Sensei, what is it we have done this time?"

"You, oh great Hyuuga genius, and your little bun-bun friend here have been SLACKING OFF!" Gai shouted to an astonished looking Neji and a flustered TenTen.

"BUN-BUN?! Really, Gai-Sensei! I'm not a kid anymore and neither are you!"

"A-HA! That is precisely the problem!" he said, pointing an accusatory finger at the pair.

Neji looked confused. TenTen was irritated at such an awful nickname. However did he come up with that? Lee had his mouth agape, wondering why Gai had just called the two extremely busy and talented Shinobi slackers. He also hoped that Gai would not call him a slacker; he simply would not forgive himself if that moniker was ever bestowed upon him by the one man in the world he admired above all others.

"Slacking off, eh?" Neji said coolly. "Just what do you mean?"

"I meant exactly what I said. Neji and TenTen, you have been slacking off!"

"No way, Gai-sensei! I've just been really busy with teaching weapons mastery to the kids at the ninja academy! You were there when Iruka-Sensei asked me to do it!" retorted TenTen.

"And I just got back from a mission to the Wave Country. And that was after I had just gotten back from a mission in the Sand Village," Neji continued calmly, "For the directionally challenged, the sea and the desert are opposite each other on the map, Sensei. I'd hardly call trekking across the Shinobi World in a matter of a few weeks 'slacking off.'"

"Lee, are you listening to this?" Gai asked, ignoring the excuses of his other two former students.

"Hai," responded Lee, his tone sounding a little unsure. 'Please, please, please, Gai-Sensei! Do not call me a slacker!' he thought wildly to himself.

"Your comrades here are too busy working to understand why they are in so much trouble."

"If we're so busy working," Neji commented, "Then why did you stop us from our pursuits just to tell us how lazy we are?"

"Yeah, Gai-Sensei. What the heck is up with that?" TenTen chimed in. It seemed that, more often than not, Team Gai was really a foursome made from two distinctly different twosomes. So many exchanges had been like this, with Gai and his "mini-me" on one side, and Neji and TenTen suffering on the other. It appeared that today would be another shining example of that.

"I said you were slacking off, and I meant it. You two have been so caught up in your work that you are forgetting to enjoy your beautiful youth!"

Neji and TenTen just rolled their eyes. 'Here we go again,' they both thought to themselves.

"So let me see if I have fully grasped what you are saying, Sensei," Neji said sarcastically. "You had TenTen abandon her class at the academy, and had me have to tell my uncle, the leader of one of the village's most honored clans, no less, that I couldn't meet with him, just to tell us to be more 'youthful'? Did I get that about right?"

"Ah, Neji. You're a man of powerful insight," Gai gushed, causing Neji to frown and give him the patented "Neji Evil Eye".

"I'm going home. If I'm lucky, Hiashi-sama won't make me baby-sit Hanabi-sama for the millionth time this year." Neji turned to leave.

"I'm going back to the academy. I can probably make it before my next class," TenTen said, ready to join Neji as he began to walk away. Then Gai spoke up again.

"OH MY GOODNESS!" he shouted, the volume in his voice stopping both Neji and TenTen in their tracks, cringing at the sound. "Please, forgive me! How could your Sensei have been so BLIND?"

"What is it, Gai-Sensei? What is the matter?" Lee asked, wondering what possibly could be any different this time than any other time that TenTen and Neji didn't want to come out to play.

"Lee, my boy. Are you as blind as I am? You will never surpass me if you are!"

Neji and TenTen continued to cringe, beads of sweat beginning to form on their brows.

"What, Gai-Sensei? Please tell me what you mean so that I may understand!"

Neji and TenTen slowly turned around, wondering what "amazing revelation" Gai had in store for them today.

"My dear Lee. Have you not ever wondered why it is so hard for us all to be together these days?"

"Well, Gai-Sensei, we all have missions, and other responsibilities to take care of-"

"No! That is not what I mean. Think, Lee. Do you sometimes find it difficult to find TenTen and Neji when you look for them?"

"I suppose so," Lee said, obviously confused.

"And when you find them, do you often find one or the other, but rarely the two of them together?"

"Hmm. I suppose that has happened a few times."

"Then look into your youthful heart, Lee, and there you will find the answer!"

Lee put his thumb to his chin, in a pose learned from watching Gai himself, and tried to search his most youthful, innermost heart. He seemed to come up clueless. "Gai-Sensei! Please tell me the answer!"

"Lee, look at your comrades." Lee looked: same old quiet Neji, same old tomboyish TenTen. What was Gai talking about? "Isn't it obvious?" Gai implored.

Neji and TenTen glared at the spandex clad men before them, not wanting to know what wild thought had entered their former teacher's strange mind.

Neji kept saying, 'Find your happy place, find your happy place, find your happy place,' over and over to himself. TenTen just mentally prepared herself to hear what incredible truth had just come to Gai's senses, knowing it wouldn't be incredible, and likely, it wouldn't be true either.

"Lee, I guess I must tell you. No, I'll shout it to the world! Your comrades have discovered the BLOSSOM OF SECRET YOUTHFUL LOVE!"

"WHATT?!" Neji and TenTen shouted in unison, an involuntary blush heating their faces.

Lee looked as if God Himself had spoken. "Yes! I was blind, but now I see that you are right! No wonder they are so hard to find!"

Neji and TenTen wanted to sink into the very earth below.

"Yes, Lee, and one day, you, too, will be able to have the youthful discovery of love. Watch the joy in your friends faces!"

Any normal person who looked would not describe the expressions of Neji and TenTen as joyful. Venomous might be more accurate.

"Gai-Sensei! Please!" cried TenTen, readying a Kunai just for good measure. Neji seemed much more at a loss for words. "T-That's just, well, not true!" TenTen said for him.

"Yes, Sensei. Please. This is just ludicrous. Me, and TenTen? As if." Neji said flatly, hoping his rather snide comment would throw Gai off from a truth he was very nearly approaching.

Gai sat down again and made himself comfortable. 'Let the games begin!' he thought. This was going to be way better than some dirty book or nasty sugary soft drink. Take that, Kakashi.

A short pause ensued, and TenTen turned to look at Neji. "What did you say? Did you say 'AS IF'? Did I hear you right?" Her eyes blazed with the murderous intent Neji had seen many a time when TenTen subdued an enemy. 'Uh-oh,' he thought, 'She didn't get what I was tying to do here. This is bad.'

"Uh..." was all Neji could say as he suddenly became the new target of TenTen's Kunai.

Forgetting all about Gai's declaration of their not-yet-existent relationship, TenTen glared furiously at Neji. Lee had recovered his pen, and was taking note of this exchange of youthful love, though he didn't completely understand it.

"Answer me, Hyuuga! Did you just say 'AS IF'?!"

"W-Well, I, uh, didn't really mean-" Now he was stuttering like his cousin Hinata always did. Great.

"Can it! What, am I not good enough for you?" TenTen was all riled up now, her fist clenching the Kunai in a death grip. The sweat came in heavy drips on Neji's brow.

"Of course you aren't, I mean you are, I mean-"

Was the great, stoic, quiet, cool, Hyuuga Neji actually...flustered?

"TenTen, it's just, well, I mean, what Gai-Sensei said, and how he said it-" he continued to stammer, digging himself deeper into the hole of TenTen's wrath the whole way.

"Well, Neji that's A-O-K with me. Take this down, Lee. You want to know why it is that Neji is always the one to come and get the rest of us for missions? "

"Yes, TenTen, I have often wondered that." Lee innocently asked, falling right into Gai's master plan. All Lee had to do to fuel the flames was to be himself. How Gai loved his precious Lee!

"TenTen. You wouldn't." Neji said nervously. 'She wouldn't. She couldn't. I swore that girl to secrecy! She's my best friend. No, she wouldn't tell him that. Be calm. Don't act like it bothers you. Whatever she says, it won't be that.'

Ignoring Neji, TenTen continued. "Well, Lee, one day I decided I would go to the Hyuuga place and pick Neji up for a change, just for fun. So I got to the gates, and told the man there who I was and why I was there, and he led me right to Neji's very own room at the Hyuuga Main House."

Lee, as predicted, was totally entranced by the yarn TenTen was spinning. He was furiously scribbling down what she said nearly word for word. Even Gai was looking forward to the story; any ammunition for teasing against the calm, cool, and collected Neji was worth it. He thought this one would be good, too.

"TenTen. Be quiet!" Neji snapped.

TenTen was well on her way, and no one would keep her down now that she had the chance to tell Neji's most guarded secret.

"What happened, TenTen?" asked Lee, wide-eyed and enthralled.

"Well, I knocked on the screen and said I was there to pick him up. And he told me not to come in, but it was too late. I had already opened the screen."

"And then what happened?" asked Lee, scribbling once again. Gai leaned forward to make sure he heard every word.

"TenTen! STOP!" said Neji, anxious, dreading what was coming next.

"Oh no, my dear Neji, we're just getting to the good stuff!" she shot back to the exceedingly uncomfortable Neji. Turning back to Gai and Lee, she continued. "And then, Lee, I saw Neji. I saw him in a very compromising position indeed!"

"TenTen! Don't make it sound like that!" Neji was yelling now, blushing at the thought of how what she said could be misinterpreted in just too many ways.

"What was Neji doing, TenTen?"

"Well, Lee, he was standing in front of a full length mirror, brushing his hair and counting the strokes! But not only that, he was smearing stuff all over it!"

"Eh?" asked Lee. "What do you mean?"

Turning to a now glaringly angry, yet horrified and frozen in place Neji, TenTen went on, "Now, Neji, what was it you said it was? Oh yeah. Lee, he told me it was 'product'. Hair balm to be exact."

"Hair...balm?" Lee asked. "What is this 'hair balm,' Neji? Tell me, does it make you stronger?"

Neji wanted to die.

He tried his best to collect himself. He spoke plainly to Lee. "Lee, I have no idea what TenTen is talking about. I have never heard of 'hair balm' or 'product' for that matter. This is all a story of TenTen's own imagining."

"Heh," TenTen chuckled in a truly sinister way. "Have it your way, Neji, but now it's my turn to say AS IF! Like I'd ever be caught dead with some guy who spends more time on his hair than I do!"

"I do not spend an inordinate amount of time on my hair," Neji said as calmly as he could manage.

"Oh, but you do."

"I do not." He could do this. He could keep calm, and no one would believe TenTen. Yes, as long as he stayed placid and serene, this, too, would pass.

It was all Gai could do to keep still and not burst out laughing and pointing at Neji. How he loved to see him squirm! What a rare treat this afternoon was turning out to be. Lee was still trying to figure out what the words "hair" and "balm" had to do with each other.

"Lee, don't let his cool attitude fool you. He does, in fact, worship his hair."

"That's ridiculous," Neji continued to collect his wits. He could get out of this. He was a Jounin Ninja for goodness sake!

"I can prove it!" TenTen challenged.

"Is that a fact?" Neji asked quietly. "And just how do you intend to do that?"

"Watch closely, Lee, 'cause here it comes."

"HAI!" Lee exclaimed, his eyes boring into Neji.

'Kill me now,' Neji thought. 'Why are all the Shinigami dropping their notes and attending high school in other places when I need one here NOW!'

Gai felt like he would explode. It wasn't every day that he could get the two kids who obviously had a thing for each other to be at each others' throats. This was the power of youth!

TenTen quickly went behind Neji. "Lee, come here. Have a look."

Lee obediently rose and stood by TenTen's side. Neji froze, his thoughts racing. 'Happy place. Happy place. Be calm. There's no problem here. Whatever she does, whatever she says, just don't react.'

"See that right there, Lee?" TenTen asked. She was merciless. She was exactly in his blind spot. Even if he bothered to use his Byakugan, he would have no idea what she was looking at. That girl was just...maddening!

"Where, TenTen. I don't see anything," Lee said, confused once again.

"Riiiiiiight there. See it?" TenTen prodded.

"I don't see anything."

"Look reeeal close." TenTen was within inches of Neji's cascading black hair, scrutinizing it as if through some imagined microscope.

Neji's heart beat hard within his chest. 'What the heck was she looking at? I know I brushed my hair this morning!'

"TenTen! What am I supposed to be seeing?" Lee asked, fearful that he might miss some secret means to becoming strong.

"That. Right there. That's what Neji calls a 'split end'."

Neji stiffened. 'Impossible!' he thought. 'Resist the urge to check. Do not move. She's lying. Resist!'

"Split end? What is this? It looks like all the rest of his hair. Neji, what is a 'split end'?"

Neji panicked. 'If TenTen saw a split end, and Lee said it looked like all the rest of my hair...my God...they could be everywhere! That damn hair balm was 100 ryou a bottle! There should be nothing, nothing, but the purest black! She's just testing me. Seeing if I'll react. Resist!' he thought, his mind racing.

"I have no idea since I've never had one," Neji calmly replied.

TenTen leaped for joy. "A-ha! So how would you be so sure you never had one, if you don't even know what one is?"

Crap. Neji slipped. But only a little. He could recover his dignity. He had to.

"What I meant to say, is that I am much too busy to be concerned with such trivialities. I really don't care what my hair looks like."

'Blasphemy!' Neji thought to himself. 'Did I just say that?'

"I see," TenTen said, with defeat in her voice.

"So you see, Lee," Neji continued, regaining some of his confidence, "it is as I said. This is just TenTen's wild imagination. There's no more to see here. I'm going home."

"Well, Lee, I didn't think it would take this much, but Neji's resolve is impressive as usual," TenTen said, still behind Neji. "But I didn't appreciate the way he insulted me, even if I don't think he meant it. For that, I will prove to you that I have found Hyuuga Neji's one true weakness, the one thing he will guard with his life."

"TenTen! What is Neji's weakness?!" Lee was scribbling notes again. Surely this had to be the key to besting his rival.

Neji froze again. 'How cruel can she be? All because I just accidentally misspoke? She wouldn't. She better not or-' his thoughts were interrupted by a triumphant sounding TenTen.

"Neji's weakness is...THIS!"

Quickly TenTen grabbed the full length of Neji's hair and moved in front to face the Hyuuga. Lee hurried around to witness yet more youthful love. With Neji's long locks in her left hand, and her Kunai in her right she slowly brought the blade down toward Neji's hair.

That was it. He couldn't remain still. This was an outrage, even for TenTen.

"EIGHT TRIGRAMS AIR PALM!"

Neji forced some chakra to his hands and blew TenTen and her menacing Kunai away from his glorious head of hair. He hadn't pushed hard, but he knew that he, Hyuuga Neji, was the one who was defeated as she lay laughing on the ground a few feet away.

Gai could contain himself no longer. He roared with delight at Neji's utter embarrassment. The great Hyuuga genius. Defeated by the threat of a haircut. However will he live down the shame? Gai resolved to never forget this day, and never to let Neji forget it either.

As usual, Lee didn't get it. He would have to ask Gai to explain.

"TenTeeeeeeen!" Neji was running, chasing TenTen down in a wild frenzy of shouting and name calling and tumbling about. Gai laughed heartily.

"See, Lee? Everyone needs to have a little fun."

"Are they...having fun, Gai-Sensei? It doesn't look like it to me," said Lee.

"Lee. You want to join in for yourself, don't you?"

"OSSU!"

"Well, go on ahead...but first, have a little drink from my water bottle here. You look parched."

"Thank you, Gai-Sensei!"

"Just a little sip, Lee. The rest is mine."

"Hai!"

Lee took a little sip. In moments, he was gone in a flash hurdling toward his teammates and joining

the fray without knowing why. A crazy mass of weapons, hair, kicks, pushes, and punches filled the training field. Gai looked on with amusement and delight. Team Gai was youthful once again!

After taking a sip from his own bottle, he set it down. The label read "Sake".


End file.
